All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
