woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
