Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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