i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
