if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
