so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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