There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
