i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
