You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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