He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
