At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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