pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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