the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
