I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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