I CAN MOONWALK!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
