I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
