Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
