Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
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