Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
