Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
