I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
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That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
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My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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