dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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