ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
