If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
