I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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