so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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