i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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