He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
