please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
