i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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