I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
