I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
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you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
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It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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