and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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