You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
