but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
