Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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