Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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