i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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