literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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