the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
