I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
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Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
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Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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