I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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