Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
