Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
whose parrot is this?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
