No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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