wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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