the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
