I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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