im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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