I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
