Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
