I cut my penus on the lid.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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