His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
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Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
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We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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