Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
