I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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