I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
