Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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