I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Vodka?
Forever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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