So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
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would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
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She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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