I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
