They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
